Somewhere along this long journey I changed trains and ended up in Pityville. Well, I'm back to say that I took that hard proverbial first step off the platform and have boarded the train back to ME!
I beat myself up for way too long and wallowed in my own bitterness/disappointment. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I hate feeling guilty and second guessing all the time. Yet, it's so easy to do. I have a hard time fighting for myself and for what I want. I have a hard time believing in myself. I have a hard time believing that I deserve good/better things.
While in Pityville I allowed myself to fall into what is easy and familiar. And not in a good way.
But no more! (Note: not to say there won't be bad, sad, disappointing, whiny days...I'm sure there will be. However, I do not want to seek the weird comfort of them. I'm sure that doesn't make sense to you, but I have allowed guilt and unbelief rule me for many, many painful years.) I need a cheerleader. (A shout-out to Beth Ayers for volunteering for this position.)
So I took the step last night of going back to Weight Watchers. Stepping back on that scale was scary & difficult, yet I did it with determination & confidence. And I was so thankful for an "old" friend (the cheerleader mentioned above) who was there and informed me that I was the reason/inspiration for her sticking with program. (She said she'd watched me drop the pounds and it gave her the confidence to do it, too.) Well, Beth, I appreciate you being in MY corner now, cheering me on...no matter how slow, victory is going to be mine!
I have a way to go to even get back to where I left off, but at least I'm not where I first began. I will accept each little step along the way, but no looking back. Even if I stumble or take a step backward, I want to be determined to continue forward in my journey. I do not want to look so far ahead that I lose sight of each little step before me. Mini-goals are my focus. I do not want to let any stumbles or setbacks to rule my life. I want to be determined each step of the way.
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